My diagnosis story isn't as dramatic as most. I didn't start vomiting uncontrollably or go into a coma. I wasn't on the verge of death. I wasn't even spilling ketones yet. I was diagnosed because of a urinary tract infection. I went to my doctor on a Friday just before lunch, and that night around 10 pm he called to tell me that my urine culture had come back from the lab showing a lot of sugar. He wanted me to go to the emergency room immediately, so I went. I didn't really understand how I could have diabetes as a slim 26-year-old, so I assumed something else was wrong with me. I wasn't having a very good year (really, a good decade) so I wasn't surprised by that. There was always something wrong with me, or I'd done something wrong, but either way, the end result was bad.
The doctor at the emergency room wasn't even completely clear that I had diabetes at first. He kept telling me that the symptoms might disappear once my UTI resolved, but I didn't see how that was possible when my blood sugar was 28.4 and normal levels were around 5.0. It was just too big of a difference, even if I wasn't spilling ketones. Regardless, I wasn't sick enough to stay overnight. After a few hours of being connected to an IV, blood tests, an insulin shot, a couple of new prescriptions, a referral to the Diabetes Education Centre, and a doctor's note to get me out of a final exam the next morning, I was released around 3 am.
Fifteen minutes after my insulin shot, things got interesting. I was standing outside in the early July morning, waiting for my mother to come pick me up. The first thing that I noticed was the quiet rustle of the nearby trees as the slight breeze brought the scent of their leaves to my nose and drifted across my skin. I inhaled deeply as I looked up at the clear sky above me, first struck by its beauty and then by the clarity of my vision and other senses. I had gotten used to living in a mental fog that was... lifting. I could see the stars, hear the birds, and appreciate my surroundings. I was standing outside the doors of an emergency room in London, Ontario, and I was having the most profound experience of my life. For the first time in months, I wasn't overwhelmed by stress and constantly aggravated by everything around me. I felt like I could stand up straight because the world wasn't weighing me down anymore.
I try to look back on those moments as often as possible because it's easy to forget that the reason we fight so hard to keep our blood glucose in the appropriate range is because high and low blood sugar levels affect every aspect of our lives. Complications can seem like this nebulous, far-off concept, and our bodies can somewhat adjust to being high - we stop feeling quite as tired and thirsty. But mood... nothing seems to temper the effects that high blood sugar has on my mood. In the weeks before my diagnosis, I overlooked symptoms like fatigue and irritability because I thought that they were the result of a depressive episode. Once my blood sugar started to drop, I stopped feeling like I would welcome being hit by a wayward bus.
That change in my outlook meant that in some ways, being diagnosed with diabetes was a relief. I knew what was causing my terrible moods and exhaustion, and I knew that there was a route to getting better - maintaining good control. Keeping up with things has still been a difficult journey, but it's important to remember that taking care of diabetes doesn't feel as thankless and overwhelming when it's actually under control. It can just be... normal.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Insulin weight
I've gained 5-8 pounds since diagnosis. It sounds like a small amount, and I'm still a small person. Compared to people who talk about wanting to lose 30+ or 100+ pounds, it seems so trivial. Vain, even. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm betraying my feminist background and buying into patriarchal notions of female beauty. I've never obsessed about my weight before, so why start now? Why not just be grateful that insulin is keeping me alive?
The truth is that I've always suspected that the reason I never worried about my weight was because I was so small that height aside, my body honestly didn't look that different from the ones in fashion magazines. And I didn't worry much about comparing the rest of my appearance to them because they were all white, and I was never going to be white.
But back to how I'm feeling about my body right now, and how a lot of diabetics feel about their bodies. I don't like how my body looks, and I don't like how it feels. Most of all, I don't like how my clothes fit now. I spent a lot of money on them so I have no intention of replacing them... but they don't hang the same way. They don't skim my frame the same way. Some of them are no longer flattering at all. Others pull uncomfortably. There's the tiniest bit of spillover in one of my bras, and I'm convinced that I look like I have back fat in all of them.
Again, I should be ok with all of this. The tyranny of size 0 is a crock of shit, right? But I'm not. I'm really unhappy. I briefly reminisced about how much weight I lost when I had jaw surgery and was on a liquid diet for two weeks, before remembering that I also had almost no energy. I decided to look for a better way.
The big problem is that I've always eaten healthy food. I love salad like most people love ice cream, and I only like ice cream on rare occasions. I have a weakness for french fries, but I don't eat them that often. I put very little dressing on my salads and very little mayo on my sandwiches when I bother. The only place that I can really cut calories is with the late-night snack that I always end up eating when I can't sleep.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that NOT eating that snack makes me dump glycogen, because I wake up really high when I don't eat something. Yes, despite all the complaining, staying within range is still more important to me than losing weight. So what to do? Exercise, I guess. I've never been that strong and since being diagnosed, I've barely exercised at all. It brings up a lot of insecurities for me, and going to the gym has always bored me to tears.
But I think this gave me the motivation to get over those insecurities, find something that I actually like to do, and do something positive for myself.
The truth is that I've always suspected that the reason I never worried about my weight was because I was so small that height aside, my body honestly didn't look that different from the ones in fashion magazines. And I didn't worry much about comparing the rest of my appearance to them because they were all white, and I was never going to be white.
But back to how I'm feeling about my body right now, and how a lot of diabetics feel about their bodies. I don't like how my body looks, and I don't like how it feels. Most of all, I don't like how my clothes fit now. I spent a lot of money on them so I have no intention of replacing them... but they don't hang the same way. They don't skim my frame the same way. Some of them are no longer flattering at all. Others pull uncomfortably. There's the tiniest bit of spillover in one of my bras, and I'm convinced that I look like I have back fat in all of them.
Again, I should be ok with all of this. The tyranny of size 0 is a crock of shit, right? But I'm not. I'm really unhappy. I briefly reminisced about how much weight I lost when I had jaw surgery and was on a liquid diet for two weeks, before remembering that I also had almost no energy. I decided to look for a better way.
The big problem is that I've always eaten healthy food. I love salad like most people love ice cream, and I only like ice cream on rare occasions. I have a weakness for french fries, but I don't eat them that often. I put very little dressing on my salads and very little mayo on my sandwiches when I bother. The only place that I can really cut calories is with the late-night snack that I always end up eating when I can't sleep.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that NOT eating that snack makes me dump glycogen, because I wake up really high when I don't eat something. Yes, despite all the complaining, staying within range is still more important to me than losing weight. So what to do? Exercise, I guess. I've never been that strong and since being diagnosed, I've barely exercised at all. It brings up a lot of insecurities for me, and going to the gym has always bored me to tears.
But I think this gave me the motivation to get over those insecurities, find something that I actually like to do, and do something positive for myself.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Surviving slush and snow
We thought we were getting away without the snow, didn't we? How foolish of us!
Now that the snow has returned, so has the mess. Slippery slush coats the streets. This is the time of year when I really question the sanity of the ubiquitous pair of Uggs, because as far as I can tell, they are not waterproof! Someone once told me that although they look like they're soaked from the outside sometimes, the boots are actually thick enough that the foot within remains dry.
I think that's ridiculous. It sounds like a breeding ground for mold and mildew even if one's feet do stay dry. Mmm, smelly, smelly mildew.
Personally, I'm a believer in La Canadienne boots. Mine are waterproof - I once stepped into five inches of water in my Alexis boots, and there were no leaks. Incroyable!!!! They're also lined with shearling so my feet stay toasty warm - and my feet get so cold that sometimes I like to snake one out and touch my unsuspecting boyfriend to watch him squirm. (What can I say? I get bored easily, and I'm an remorseless troll.)
I digress. Back to the boots! In general, I prefer not to wear leather. This is not because I'm an animal rights activist, but because the tanning process for leather is a horrific pollutant.
La Canadienne says that they use environmentally-friendly and non-toxic chemicals, and that they make their boots locally in Montreal with scraps left over from the food industry. The hides are imported from Italy, so that adds to the carbon footprint of the boot, but I feel better about that than I would about knowing that my boots are the cause of a nasty toxic spill in a developing country. (Sorry about your water, children, but do you see how sexy I look in these boots?!)
Full disclosure: I am not competely consistent in my buying patterns yet. I do have leather products that are not as friendly to the environment or our fellow global citizens. I also believe that NOT buying more is better than replacing old, usable products with new, "better" ones. I'm trying to improve on this front, but it's still a work in progress as I balance the limitations of my budget, my desire to be fashionable, and my conscience.
Overall, though, La Canadienne fits the bill. I've had my boots for almost four years now, and they're still in great condition. When they do eventually die out, I'll definitely be replacing them with another pair, but hopefully that won't be for a few more years. :)
A link to La Canadienne's waterproof cold weather boots is here.
Now that the snow has returned, so has the mess. Slippery slush coats the streets. This is the time of year when I really question the sanity of the ubiquitous pair of Uggs, because as far as I can tell, they are not waterproof! Someone once told me that although they look like they're soaked from the outside sometimes, the boots are actually thick enough that the foot within remains dry.
I think that's ridiculous. It sounds like a breeding ground for mold and mildew even if one's feet do stay dry. Mmm, smelly, smelly mildew.
Personally, I'm a believer in La Canadienne boots. Mine are waterproof - I once stepped into five inches of water in my Alexis boots, and there were no leaks. Incroyable!!!! They're also lined with shearling so my feet stay toasty warm - and my feet get so cold that sometimes I like to snake one out and touch my unsuspecting boyfriend to watch him squirm. (What can I say? I get bored easily, and I'm an remorseless troll.)
I digress. Back to the boots! In general, I prefer not to wear leather. This is not because I'm an animal rights activist, but because the tanning process for leather is a horrific pollutant.
La Canadienne says that they use environmentally-friendly and non-toxic chemicals, and that they make their boots locally in Montreal with scraps left over from the food industry. The hides are imported from Italy, so that adds to the carbon footprint of the boot, but I feel better about that than I would about knowing that my boots are the cause of a nasty toxic spill in a developing country. (Sorry about your water, children, but do you see how sexy I look in these boots?!)
Full disclosure: I am not competely consistent in my buying patterns yet. I do have leather products that are not as friendly to the environment or our fellow global citizens. I also believe that NOT buying more is better than replacing old, usable products with new, "better" ones. I'm trying to improve on this front, but it's still a work in progress as I balance the limitations of my budget, my desire to be fashionable, and my conscience.
Overall, though, La Canadienne fits the bill. I've had my boots for almost four years now, and they're still in great condition. When they do eventually die out, I'll definitely be replacing them with another pair, but hopefully that won't be for a few more years. :)
A link to La Canadienne's waterproof cold weather boots is here.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Surviving gloomy, grey skies
I just took a look at the forecast here in London, Ontario for the next week. Clouds, clouds, and more clouds. It's not that bad, though! It's only partly cloudy on Sunday and Tuesday. Unfortunately, I assume that by the time those days actually roll around, the forecast will have changed to fully cloudy.
Random fact: did you know that London is the cloudiest city in Ontario?
In past years, I've spent winter in a perpetual state of gloomy SAD-induced depression. I grew up in very sunny cities, so clouds don't particularly suit me. (I'm open to being enlightened on why their near-constant presence doesn't suck, though.) Surprisingly, it turns out that spending half the year trying to figure out how to make hibernation a reality is not a good way to live one's life.
This year, I'm trying some new strategies.
I've had a SAD light for many years now, but I've never felt that sitting and staring at it for half an hour did much for me. It's boring and a waste of time. But recently, I had the brilliant idea of putting the light next to my dresser and using it for makeup lighting. Now I can get my daily light therapy in while I do my makeup. Since once I have my makeup on, it would be ridiculous to try to crawl back into bed, the new process guarantees that I go outside.
I'm also trying Vitamin D supplements. Our bodies normally make vitamin D with exposure to sunlight, but sunlight is limited during winters at higher latitudes even in places that aren't covered with a thick, grey cumulus blanket. The Canadian government is now recommending that all of us take 1000 iu of vitamin D per day, but I do not believe this is enough. The studies I've read place the daily maximum at around 10000 iu, but even higher doses have been used. Some people take 50000 iu once a week, for instance. I have golden brown skin, so I've decided to supplement with 8000 iu per day for now, and adjust as needed.
Vitamin D supplements are available in pill and droplet form, and I'm using the droplets. They are easier to take because I just drip it into my tiny amount of morning orange juice, and my research indicated that our bodies more easily process vitamin D when it is taken with some oil. The droplets I use come suspended in oil, but if you're planning to go this route make sure to read ingredients carefully and consult your pharmacist or doctor.
I should note that I'm also on two antidepressants - Wellbutrin XL and Celexa. I've always had some trouble sleeping, so I have sleeping pills that I try to use as rarely as possible. (I was given a bottle of 30 pills last winter and I still have 20+ pills.) If serious medical intervention of this type is needed, do not feel ashamed! It is more important to take care of oneself than to get caught up in the shameful labels that society likes to place on mental distress.
I'm hoping that taking the above steps along with making sure I get outside for some exercise and eating healthy will get me through the winter and back to the glorious brightness of summer's long, long days. In the meantime, I've accepted that sometimes I need to go easy on myself, give my body what it needs, and go do something fun, but it's also really important to be firm with myself and not let the gloomy feelings take over.
Random fact: did you know that London is the cloudiest city in Ontario?
In past years, I've spent winter in a perpetual state of gloomy SAD-induced depression. I grew up in very sunny cities, so clouds don't particularly suit me. (I'm open to being enlightened on why their near-constant presence doesn't suck, though.) Surprisingly, it turns out that spending half the year trying to figure out how to make hibernation a reality is not a good way to live one's life.
This year, I'm trying some new strategies.
I've had a SAD light for many years now, but I've never felt that sitting and staring at it for half an hour did much for me. It's boring and a waste of time. But recently, I had the brilliant idea of putting the light next to my dresser and using it for makeup lighting. Now I can get my daily light therapy in while I do my makeup. Since once I have my makeup on, it would be ridiculous to try to crawl back into bed, the new process guarantees that I go outside.
I'm also trying Vitamin D supplements. Our bodies normally make vitamin D with exposure to sunlight, but sunlight is limited during winters at higher latitudes even in places that aren't covered with a thick, grey cumulus blanket. The Canadian government is now recommending that all of us take 1000 iu of vitamin D per day, but I do not believe this is enough. The studies I've read place the daily maximum at around 10000 iu, but even higher doses have been used. Some people take 50000 iu once a week, for instance. I have golden brown skin, so I've decided to supplement with 8000 iu per day for now, and adjust as needed.
Vitamin D supplements are available in pill and droplet form, and I'm using the droplets. They are easier to take because I just drip it into my tiny amount of morning orange juice, and my research indicated that our bodies more easily process vitamin D when it is taken with some oil. The droplets I use come suspended in oil, but if you're planning to go this route make sure to read ingredients carefully and consult your pharmacist or doctor.
I should note that I'm also on two antidepressants - Wellbutrin XL and Celexa. I've always had some trouble sleeping, so I have sleeping pills that I try to use as rarely as possible. (I was given a bottle of 30 pills last winter and I still have 20+ pills.) If serious medical intervention of this type is needed, do not feel ashamed! It is more important to take care of oneself than to get caught up in the shameful labels that society likes to place on mental distress.
I'm hoping that taking the above steps along with making sure I get outside for some exercise and eating healthy will get me through the winter and back to the glorious brightness of summer's long, long days. In the meantime, I've accepted that sometimes I need to go easy on myself, give my body what it needs, and go do something fun, but it's also really important to be firm with myself and not let the gloomy feelings take over.
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